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Dad: My fart smells like I just pooped in a blanket.
Son: What does that even mean?
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Dad: Do you have any girl friends? And Don't show me your Facebook page. If I wanted to see anorexic girls, I would go to the shelter.
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Dad: What kind of music is this? Rap? It sounds like someone is fucking my stereo with a strap-on.
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Grandpa: I would have given you a present for your birthday, but you know how it is. Cable TV still costs me around 60 dollars a month.
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Son: I have never even watched porn
Dad: Yeah, right. And that lube bottle is just moisturizer, huh?
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Dad: i am going to be honest, it sounds like you are nailing her to the wall with your dick.
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Dad: Son, i have one rule for our house, don't disgrace it with fat chicks.

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Mom: Everybody is anti-drug until they try one.
Daughter: Excuse me?
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Brother: Did you know those stupid Japs don't even celebrate Thanks Giving?
Sister: Everyday I live in fear that my dormant moron genes will activate.
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Mom: The next person who says something negative is going to their room.
Dad: Fuck Brett Favre. Bye.
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Dad: I need to shit like Brett Favre needs to retire.
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Granddaughter: Grandma, I don't want you calling me nicknames anymore, it's a stupid kiddy stuff. Call me Alexis.
Grandma: Honey, you know your mom only named you that because she couldn't afford one when you were born.
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Sister: What's for dinner tonight?
Dad: For you? Jenny Craig.
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Dad: Little Wayne? Sounds like something you name your shit.

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Dad: Are you ever going to lift weights? You can't be my son. Gwen, did we ever get that paternity test scheduled?
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