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Mom: Are you a lesbian?! Just seems like all you kids these days are being crazy and turning gay. It's bizarre and odd
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Dad: I swear to God, if I see you on reality television I will delete you. Memory and will.
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Dad: I saw an alcoholic bum peeing on his cat. It was terrible.
Son: Replace 'alcoholic' with 'awesome.'
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Dad: So I let her lick the raperrrr.
Son: If you never say that again, I'm 97% sure I won't kill myself.
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Son: My car has about 100,000 miles left.
Dad: Until it literally blows up and burns you alive? Sounds good.
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Dad: Since when do skinny girls and fat girls get along?
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Dad: How does someone manage to become as bad as you at driving? Acquired skill or head injury?
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Dad: Why don't you just make pancakes? That's simple enough.
Son: Hey, Iron Chef, get the fuck out of the kitchen. You can't even microwave popcorn.
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Dad: you have millk for dinner, I have beer for dinner. You build bones, I get drunk. Win-win.
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Dad: Lacey, just shutup. Really. It's like you are asking to get beat or something. Who is saying grace? No one? Let's eat.
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Sister: I need to borrow some money
Dad: So do I...looks like we're both screwed.
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Dad: If things are going so bad that you have to piss on my toilet seat, I need you to start wearing a tampon. Seriously.
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Uncle: Knocking her down is better than knocking her up.
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Grandma: Black people are just fine. You just don't want to marry one.
Granddaughter: Oh, GOD. You and I share genes.
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Dad: I work out every single day. I Run 2 miles everyday. Does hearing this make you feel like less of a man? Because it should, pussy.
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