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Son: My car has about 100,000 miles left.
Dad: Until it literally blows up and burns you alive? Sounds good.
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Dad: Until it literally blows up and burns you alive? Sounds good.
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Dad: The next time that dog shits on the carpet, I am eating it.
Son: The dog or the shit?
Dad: You're not funny.
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Son: The dog or the shit?
Dad: You're not funny.
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Son: I have never even watched porn
Dad: Yeah, right. And that lube bottle is just moisturizer, huh?
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Dad: Yeah, right. And that lube bottle is just moisturizer, huh?
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Dad: if there is one thing I hate, it's tomatoes.
Son: And exercise.
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Son: And exercise.
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Mom: I am not the only one who has to make dinner.
Son: Then you will starve. I can't make shit.
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Son: Then you will starve. I can't make shit.
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Dad: Son, i have one rule for our house, don't disgrace it with fat chicks.
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Dad: My son is 27 years old, and he can't throw a steak on the grill. Instead he just fucks the microwave until a hot pocket appears.
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Sister: I have a new boyfriend
Dad: its official: You're easier to get into than community college.
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Dad: its official: You're easier to get into than community college.
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Dad: You don't know how to make a salad? You take lettuce, Nevermind. I'll do it. You continue practicing for the special olympics.
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Mom: Who is saying the blessing?
Dad: I cooked this food, and you want to thank someone else? Everyone should just thank me. Go ahead.
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Dad: I cooked this food, and you want to thank someone else? Everyone should just thank me. Go ahead.
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Mom: There are starving kids in China that would eat the food.
Son: Then send this bullshit to them.
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Son: Then send this bullshit to them.
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Mom: Lazy ass. The amount of hours you spend inactive is enough to qualify for disability.
Son: best. Idea. Ever.
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Son: best. Idea. Ever.
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Grandpa: I hate when the scouts come to my door and ask for stuff. Little bastards. The only thing I would ever buy from them is alcohol.
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Son: If this were a restaurant, I'd send this food back.
Mom: if this were an adoption clinic, i'd send you back.
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Mom: if this were an adoption clinic, i'd send you back.
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Mom: Your father had too much to drink. Will you hide the remote? He keeps ordering porn on the TV.
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